My mom accepted a job in Tianjin, China. It is the first time in my life to be that far away from her. I wonder how I’ll be. I am so used to her managing everything in our household. And now that she is leaving, I am left with that task.

I did spend time away from home for a while, 5 years ago, when I worked in Makati, but it was different. On weekends I went home to Batangas, and I would not exactly say it was being really independent since I bring my laundry home during weekends and our house help was the one who’d wash it for me. I did not take care of any bills as well. Since I stayed at a friend’s house for free and the bills there were settled by their mom who is based in California.

I am quite scared, will I manage? But all in all, I am happy for my Mom, and I wish for her continued success.

I don’t know you anymore, and you don’t know me anymore either. Glass half empty or half full? There’s a yearning, not the physical, not the romantic, but some kind of yearning. This is not where I want to be, but I cannot run away without feeling guilty. It’s suffocating. Restricting. And all of these makes me sad, but I try my best to pretend that it is OK. But if I don’t leave now, will I ever get to? That Scares me. I’ll see a picture of a place far from here, a city different from where I am living right now and I imagine all the things that I would do. And then it will hit me, the uncertainty of things, that I may never leave and it is just unfair and heartbreaking. Words are hard to come by. I’ve been trying to find the right words, but they are jumbled up, leaving me in a more confused state. I’ve been tiptoeing on things for years, cautious, trying with all my might to sort everything out, but there is too much mess. It’s always half and half, never whole. A part of me wants to say yes, a part of me says no. The other half wants to go, and the other half wants to stay. I always contradict myself. Taking a step forward and then stepping back. I have this never ending hope, and thank god I do, because it keeps me away from lunacy. I want to do my best wholeheartedly, without any half of me being reluctant, without any guilt. 

The first day of 2012. What do I feel? Such a simple question, but the answer fails to register on my brain. How do I answer? As far as resolutions are concerned, I would rather not go that route. How may times did all of us prepare that list, year after year? promises of big changes, only to abandon them, and return to our old ways? I don’t like that anymore. Grand declarations or big changes. I am lost, still lost. And I decided, to just take baby steps. Little changes. Slight alterations. The impact may not be that big, but gradually it will be. I am trying to be careful, to lessen that spur of the moment urges that I am accustomed to. In my adolescent years, I always head straight onto things, I think about the consequences later. What matters is that I did what I want, and I’ll just have to pay the price later. Just let me do this, just go with it. I think I’ve already lost that boldness, I am careful more than ever. Maybe because, along all those spur of the moment choices, I got hurt after all the adrenaline had left my body. And worst I hurt people I love too. What’s done is done. I am not expecting too much this year. But I am hopeful that it will be nice. That I won’t be that lost. I can’t seem to find my way. I am really hopeful. And one should never run out of Hope. 

I have to admit that the effin movie freaked me out. What ifs surround my over analytical brain. But never mind, the end of the world will not stop me from making my life change for the better.

Yes, I have been thinking about New Year’s resolutions, and NO going on a diet is not part of my list! In fact I plan to eat my heart out.

Things I think I should focus on,hmmm. Definitely my procrastinating habit and time management skills. My short attention span too. My sleeping habit. And I guess this should be part of time management too, I am interested in a lot of things, reading, watching films and tv and finding new music. So I have already started this week. I should watch at least 3 films I have not seen, and read 3 books per week. I am a fast reader so I can manage that. Keep track of all of them and look back in December 2012.

I am happy and looking forward to a New Year. My life may not be rosy all the time. But still thankful to be alive!

xoxo

hanging on to words, that were long ago spoken. I put a foot forward, only to step back and then back again from where I started. I should let go. So please, stop, you see when I start to feel good, when everything is fine. Ghosts come and they haunt me. And everything begins to crumble. It’s been years, But I keep walking in circles. I’m afraid, that if I don’t leave now, I don’t think I ever will.